Maybe the last post ever

When I was younger, I read the Book of Revelation and thought it could never happen. But, as I write this, the four horsemen are suiting up. West Virginia lost (Death). Ohio State didn't play (Famine). Missouri is losing (War). I forget what the other one is, but I'm pretty sure he's getting his horse out of the stable. Nonetheless, I think there's still sometime before the Rapture, so I might as well preview tomorrow's game before I am taken peacefully to my Heavenly home.

ATL at STL
I wish I could say this game was the abomination of the week, but, sadly, I can't (see below). The Greatest Show on Turf meets the Greatest Show In A Pit In Vick's Back Yard. I'm reminded of Aesop's Fable where the eagle (or falcon) picks up the ram and yada, yada, yada drops it. go with the falcons

BUF at WAS
I'll leave this one alone. That Sean Taylor story gets more and more outrageous every day. Never bring a machete to a gun fight.

DET at MIN
A few weeks ago, Detroit was the Cinderella of the System. But if there's one thing God (however you define Him) hates, it's false prophets, and Kitna is not looking too good in his prediction for 10 wins right about now. Neither is that receiver who thought they would get 12 or 13, especially since it's mathmatically impossible. I feel bad for the Ford family, nothing it going well for them now. Not like that Toyota family.

HOU at TEN
Tennessee, another former System Cinderella, has hit hard times as of late, but they still have a chance to grab the second wild card (or even take Jacksonville's for that matter), so expect them to try extra extra hard in this one.

JAC at IND
This year has been god-awful for Peyton Manning commercials. I mean, last year, I loved the 'laser-rocket' arm gag and 'Cut-That-Meat' killed me. But that 'pep talk' shit? and what the hell is Marvin Harrison doing in that water? He's surrounded by dolphins? First of all, that's not bad, that's delightful. If I was Peyton i'd drop the ball and go play with Harrison in the dolphin tank.

NYJ at MIA
Here it is, the Abomination of the Week. When I first thought of this game, I had to leave the room and get some air. A homeless man asked me if I was ok. I told him the Jets were playing the Dolphins, and he said "shit, what them dawfins doin in the air? shit." Sir, I agree. Dolphins-stick to the running game. I feel good things are coming from that Ricky Williams. I forgot to say this last week, but good luck Ricky, it's good to have you back. What's that? Oh... um... the Jets will probably win.

SD at KC
In the battle of cities with short abbreviations, I go with San Diego. A wise man once said something about 'San Diego' being spanish for a whale's something. I laughed until I heard that quote 50 times. Ever since then, I hated Napoleon Dynamite.

SEA at PHI
Talk about Super Bowl Hangovers. These teams are still got so drunk off their super bowl loses that they're still in Denny's waiting for their side of bacon. Instead of Gatorade, they should get pepto bismol.

SF at CAR
At SF, george seifert won two super bowls. At CAR, his third and final season was, according to Wikipedia (yeah, I research these), was a 'disaster.' Look for the panthers to win this for george...

CLE at ARI
CLE, you are the new Cinderella of the System, and that is well deserved. I don't know what it is about you guys, but it just feels good to root for you. The NFL promised you a team after the Original Browns got yanked to Baltimore, and it looks like you finally got it.

DEN at OAK
When distance runners are training for a competition, they often go to high altitudes to maximize their oxygen intake. Taking that into consideration, expect Denver to run laps around Oakland. They might play football too, but mainly laps. Lots and lots of laps.

NYG at CHI
In theory, these teams should be good. In theory. The ghost of Pat Summerall has been haunting the last half of every season for the giants for some time now. Grossman has been especially grossman esque this year. Don't be surprised if both quarterbacks get suspicious circular brown stains on the butts of their pants as the game goes on. Look closely.

TB at NO
I'm growing tired of picking TB as the Gower Power Points Pick ever other week, but it's a safe damn bet. They are constantly being put down. I don't care if Garcia is questionable, because there is one thing that isn't questionable: Jeff Garcia's unhuman drive to get his team to the playoffs. Not necessarily the superbowl, but the Playoffs, you bet.

CIN at PIT
Pittsburgh has had some unbelieveable loses this year, and I attribute that to Omar Epps being their coach. I've noticed that their loses often coincide with an episode of House where omar gets especially berated. But this week, he was pretty chill, so expect a normal Steelers effort here.

NE at BAL
Researching this game, I read Brian Billick's wikipedia page because I had once heard that he was an 'offensive genius' and I thought to myself, 'Really?' Maybe my senses are wrong. I mean, he does have the most wins in Team History (only other coach: Ted Marchibroda. Yeah,
that Ted Marchibroda). The most surprising thing I learned completely blew my mind, and I hope to God this is true. Brian Billick, after a disappointing pro career, turned to game shows. Game shows, as in more than one show. First, he was on Match Game, where after a 0-5 loss, a panelist quipped 'Failed at football, failed at match game, where will you go now.' He also appeared on an episode of Jeopardy and The Gong Show performing, I shit you not, a 'spider monkey' routine. Now that I think about it, this might be the fourth Horseman of the apocalypse...