SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF NUMBERS!!! (also, Zach's picks)

Hello loyal reader(s),

Week 14, the week of hope. I truly believe this is the make or break game for the System. Picking the winners will be easy; picking the spread won't be. there are several games with a 10.5 point spread and a most others are 6.5 or above. That might not sound too shocking, but in the NFL, 11 point victories aren't as common or predictable as you might think (not to mention 10.5 point victories. In fact, no team has ever won by 10.5 points in the history of the game). Giggity.

MIA vs. BUF
STL vs. CIN
Good news: The Abomination of the Week this week isn't that bad. Bad News: it's still an abomination. I saw this game posted and I thought, 'could be worse.' But then I got that sinking feeling in my gut. That horrible feeling that makes me swear and drink heavily and go into my office at 3 in the morning and look up porn. I swear, the bad games make me do these things. CIN win and STL coverstl

DAL vs. DET
If faith in the lord gave your arm power, Kitna would be Kyle Boller. But he's not and his team sucks and so does Kyle Boller's team. In one of the more prescient points I have heard in sports reporting for some time, a person on Sportsline suggested that Wade Phillips was just a figure head to divert attention to Jason Garrett. And if there's one thing Wade Phillips diverts, it's attention. If there's two things, they're attention and hoagies. Hopefully he doesn't divert from the Lions' mid-game bible study.

OAK vs. GB
When I was in eighth grade, I lost the geography bee on this question: 'What is the largest city in Wisconsin?' I answered Green Bay because they had a football team and Milwakee didn't. I got the question wrong, not because Green Bay didn't have a team, but because Milwakee does actually have more people. But they don't have more Bret Favres. So I ask you, people, what do we really want our children to learn in school?

TB vs. HOU
What the fizzle? Tampa Bay is getting no respect. They lead the division when they have garcia; they win a big game with one of the McCowns. My rankings have them number 6 in the league, yet they're only given 3.5 points? Most of the experts on CBS are picking HOU. On principle, I can't name them the GOWER POWER POINTS PICK for the 2nd straight week, but I can name them the 'really good team that'll catch people by surprise in the playoffs because people are idiots and numbers are wise POINTS PICK' for this week.

CAR vs. JAC
I've said it before, I'll say it again: it still feels like these teams just joined the league and are playing with zero expectations. Every week is a joy to the people of Jacksonville and one of the carolinas (or both, or just northern georgia). In a perfect world, these teams would play every week and both would win every week. I'd pick a winner, but I stay away from anything born in the 90's (sorry reggie).

PIT vs. NE
The game of the week, I guess. NE's been making it fun for the past few weeks and Pitt lost to arizona. I really have no clue where this game will go. Whatever happens, I believe it will definitely be more revealing for Pittsburgh. New england already proved themselves this year, even if they do lose.

NYG vs. PHI
Zach left this weekend to visit friends. It's these kinds of weekends where you prove your muster. We, the people left behind, have to prove that we can still win the big game after our running leaves the game in the first quarter. I shared this with one of his roommates and he suggested that Zach was more like a quarterback. I conceded this, but only on the condition that that quarterback was Eli Manning. Sorry Zach, you're a big bitch with a good pedigree.

I'm sorry, but I'm tired and I'm looking at the rest of the games and I don't want to pick the GOWER POWER POINTS PICK right now. I'll pick this up later. In the mean time, here are Zach's picks phoned in just minutes ago:


Winner/vs. spread
Jacksonville, Jack
Miami, miami
STL, STL
Dal, dal
GB, GB
TB, TB
NE, NE
PHI, PHI
TEN, TEN
MIN, MIN
SEA, SEA
DEN, KC
CLE, CLE
IND, IND
NO, NO

Heart index: Heart sucks
Guts index: Guts suck
America index: Zach sucks