Mad Dog is Delicious or "The Tuesday Rewind"

That was a tough week. I didn’t do so hot for those of you paying attention, and I let the teams who messed it up know how I feel.

This is my time to take a look back at the Week 11 that was. I start with those Denver Broncos. They made me look good in their 34-20 and helped me improve to a wildcard-esque 9-7 record for the week. They also became the hemorrhoid cream on “Nums’” red baboon ass. He’s a punk. But he’s winning. Overall I stand at 27-17 for the Great Pick battle and 88-61 on the season over 11 weeks. Seeing as I have the Broncos to thank, I can now safely say that Mike Shanahan has a soul. I will redeem myself though, on this, the week we stole America from those pesky Indians.

Moving on, this is where I look back and give awards for special or otherwise gutsy performances in an article I like to call “Awards” As a rule, I will try and give out no more than one award to a Patriot, but always one Patriot.

(Title and awards subject to change)

Week 11:

I’m Better Than You and So Is My Team So Watch This Award:

Winner: Randy Moss!

Come on down Randy, you and your coach, Smiling Bill Belichick probably watched your counterpart: recently resurrected and “team player”, Terrell Owens catch 4 Tds from the arm of Smiling Tony Romo in the Cowboys’ win over the Redskins (Happy Thanksgiving). Then what did you do? You went out and caught 4 Tds of your own… IN THE FIRST HALF. Randy, you are good, and you may do whatever you like with this honor.

Did You Just See That Field Goal Award:

Winner: Phil Dawson

Phillip Alexander Dawson, you deserve to be recognized. In the longest game ever played… on Sunday November 18th you kicked a field goal that bounced off the left upright (your left) and careened onto the crossbar/ground post in such a fashion as to confuse the hell out of the two referees standing underneath. It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if that kick wasn’t to send the game into overtime. An overtime in which you also kicked the game winning field goal defeating the Baltimore Ravens (I like to call them the old Cleveland Browns) and giving your city which is so accustomed to losing, another win. Congrats.

Adrian Peterson Ran His Legs Out So Stop Talking About Him and Look at Me Award:

Winner: Chester Taylor

Oh Chester, look at you run. You are so graceful, and frankly I am surprised at how graceful. You ran over, around, and through a good (despite what “Nums” says) Raiders defense to the tune of 202 total yards and 3 Tds, while Adrian Peterson watched from the sidelines with his league-leading stats and incessant media attention. I applaud you for going out and still playing even though you are a Minnesota Vikings running back (which has meant nothing since Robert Smith retired) and A.P. is hotter than Christina Aguilera when she broke onto the scene. Good work out there, you made a lot of heads turn. I guess you can carry a team, which makes the Vikings all that more impressive. Now you just need a quarterback (so quick to dispel those Jeff George Rumors?)

I Put My Faith In God and Made a Big Prediction But Now I Lay Prostrate On The Floor Staring Up At The Ceiling Sucking My Thumb And Crying While I Rethink My Decision To Make Said Prediction Award:

Winner: Jon Kitna!

Congratulations Jon, you win my favorite award of the week because it’s just so darned fun to say. Two weeks ago you were 6-2 and on top of the world. You’re a bald born again and you said God was with you and your team and that your bunch of Holy Crusaders were going to win Ten game. But oh no! You’ve lost 2 in a row. One to crappy Arizona and the other to those Second Half Whiz Kids in New York. You now sit at 6-4. That means you have to win 4 out of 6 to make good on your prediction and make sure Yahweh is pleased. Good Luck, because if you keep up this kind of play, someone’s in line for Purgatory.

We Can’t Tackle Either Award:

Winner: The Cincinnati Bengals Offense

For 11 weeks the world watched and wondered how a prolific quarterback from California with his star wide receivers and strong running game could be last in a division that includes Cleveland. We all blamed the defense in Cincinnati, which don’t get me wrong, still blows. But Hey!, when Carson throws a rare interception you have to do something after, stop the defensive back. Sunday, Carson threw two interceptions to Antrel Rolle and they were BOTH returned for a touchdown, which means your defense did enough to win, but because you dropped the ball, you did enough to lose. Good work, I guess you can’t tackle either.


Not Only Am I The Best, I Very Well Could Be The Best Forever Award:

Winner: Brett Favre

For the 3,000th week in a row, Brett Favre completed 70%+ of his passes and three 3 Tds. This, however, was a significant game because it was, in fact, the matchup of the oldest starting quarterbacks in NFL history (I believe both are around 280 dog years old). Brett, you took the field opposite former Miami Hurricane Vinny Testeverde and just chucked that pigskin all over the field completing passes to the right team, which Vinny could not do. Granted he’s older than you, but the way you played made me feel that if you do decide to play until your Vinny’s age, (and if I judged your hatred for backup Aaron Rodgers correctly, you will), you’ll still be just as good as you are now. You’re having a great season, and with Fightin’ Irishman Ryan Grant (The Prize of South Bend, Ha) actually gaining yards on the ground, you could conceivably lose to the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Oh! So, If We Plan On Contending For a Super Bowl Ring, We Have To Win the Easy Games? Award:

Winner: The Pittsburgh Steelers

You thought you could get away with it didn’t you Pittsburgh. You thought you could make it all the way to the playoffs without playing anymore, well except for the game against New England. You thought you could just sit back and watch until the games “mattered.” Isn’t that right Ben Roethlisberger, with your tight pants and your motorcycles? Bah! Wake up! I’m talking to you Mike Tomlin (Yes, he does play Forman on the Fox Drama- House). You have made a city that LOVES its team and its history forget about Bill Cowher. You have prepared your team week in and week out to play well-rounded football, yet you lost to the Jets. The Jets were on a 6 game losing streak. Oft-injured and general all-around disappointment Chad Pennington was replaced by TV Weatherman Kellen Clemens and they beat you? Hmm…something has to changed. Pittsburgh, you are a team that has a good chance to spoil the Patriots perfect season later this year and cause some real noise in the playoffs. Take a good look at yourselves and stop losing the easy ones.


That’s it for the awards and that’s it for this little article. I stopped at 7 this week because too much of a good thing is bad. I’ll be back tomorrow with my weekly picks. They’ll probably be up early because god knows I’ll be drinking for as many hours as I can stand on Turkey Eve (Hi Indians). In some way shape or form you will get your Gut Picks that you all love and look forward to.

Until next time, Fasten your seat belts, it’s a jungle out there.