Them Numbers Don't Lie

Hello one and all,

First, I'd like to welcome members of Zach's fantasy league. I know you've had to suffer for years with his low-brow, sophmoric attempts at football comedy, and I feel your pain. Hell, there were two weeks during the summer where he was completely unfunny. It sucked... for everyone.

So relax, fix yourself a Martini, and have a dignified laugh as I show you some classy humor and tell you all you need to know about some important games this week. (FART!!! just kidding, but seriously folks)

OAK vs. MIN (-5)
Minnesota is without Adrian Peterson, big whoop. Oakland is without a football team. Zach: "They have one of the best defenses in the league." Me : "Yeah, cuz they aren't ACTUALLy playing games." You can't get yards gained against you if you don't field a team. Minnesota by default. Since I'm not sure how that works out score-wise (would the game be 0-0?), I'll go with Oakland vs. the spread.

STL vs. SF (+2.5)
Talk about all quiet on the western front, something amazing needs to happen for me to care about this game. So far, the only thing amazing is the awfulness San Francisco's offense. They are averaging 133 passing yd/g, and I rounded up! The only thing that can help them at this point is if they take off the starting 11 and put in 11 George Seiferts. Instead, it seems like they put in 11 Bill Walshes (yeah, I went there). STL all the way.

NE vs. BUF (+16)
Did you watch "Batman, the Animated Series" after school growing up? Well, I did. There's an episode where Edward Nygma is fired from his job, thus throwing him into the downward spiral from which he arose as The Riddler. Long story short (actually 22 minutes, minus commericals), he torments his old boss. And while batman saves the day, the boss is so freaked that he locks every door and window in his house and sleeps with a shotgun every night. That's what I imagine Don Shula does now that he pissed off the Patriots. I say pick 'em until they prove us wrong.

TB vs. ATL (+3)
I just want to set the record straight. That little bit Zach said about Jeff Garcia was my bit and he delivered it horribly. I originally said that, from my experience as an Eagles fan, Jeff Garcia, once given the chance, will do everything in his power to get his team to the playoffs as soon as possible. AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Whatever happens then is up to chance, cuz he doesn't care at that point. Last year, it took him around seven weeks. This year, he was given the whole season but Jacksonville and Detroit really threw a cog in his plans. Last week's game against Arizona, however, proved that he's still playing for late december/early january baby!!

Without a doubt, TB is the GOWER POINT POINTS PICK for Week 11.

KC vs. IND (-14.5)
I was very suspicious of Indy going into their game against the Patroits, but last week's game was a complete fluke. Basically, if Manning makes mistakes, they have a good chance of losing, especially with their beat up defense. Unfortunately for the league, the numbers are telling me that won't happen all that often. If they get hot near the end, watch out. If they don't, punch the Steeler's ticket to foxboro. Also, Herm Edwards yells at the elderly without reason. Minus a healthy Marvin Harrison, KC beats the spread.

CHI vs. SEA (-5.5)
Oh, Chicago, I enjoy you being in the league. What crazy adventures will you take us on this year? Basically the same as last year, with the addition of Bitchy Urlacher. Brian 'Arthritic Back' Urlacher. Brian Ur-Stupid-How-Would-You-Like-It-If-I-Hit-You-In-Your-Backer. On the otherhand, they're playing Seattle. Seeing as Shaun Alexander is splitting time with Maurice Morris (who may be a french mime, for all I know), the Bears might have a chance. SEA to win, CHI vs. Spread.

TEN vs. DEN (-2.5)
Tennessee is the Cinderella of the Gower Power Points System. Their team is anchored in arguably the most balanced offense in the league (158 yds/g passing, 140 yds/g rushing) and a defense that stops the run and keeps points low (17/g). Going against the worst rushing defense in the league that gives up 26 pts/g, I almost made this my Gower Power Points Pick of the week. Instead, I will make Tennessee the GOWER POWER POINTS PICK OF MONDAY.

I know there are more games out there, so I'll summarize quickly:
Miami isn't the worst team in the league, but neither is Philly
The NY Jets should change their name to the NY Bi-Wing propeller planes. PIT
The ratio of times Tony Romo smiles to the number of times someone talks about Tony Romo smiling= 1:1. And he smiles a lot.
Although I didn't see it, I'm pretty sure someone on ESPN made an uncomfortable 'San Diego is FIREd up' comment and that's why I don't watch ESPN.
I couldn't figure out how to mathmatize the Giants' late season nosedive habit, so I'll give them this week.
It's Week 11 of the my "Countdown until Bret Favre throws out his arm." I thought it happened against the Chiefs, but I had to put away the party hat and streamers. Maybe this week.
Arizona shoots themselves in the foot.
Show me something, New Orleans
And finally: Cleveland.


Trust me, them numbers don't lie.